Thursday, January 1, 2009

Tacos en el Fuego

This nugget of my culinary acumen is shared because... it is ludicrous. And... as always, if these messages make it through your spam filter and you wish they hadn't, please send $10 restocking fee and a letter to my editor and these e-mails will cease.

Cooking fire...
I enjoy cooking. It brings joy. It is creative and it involves eating. I like eating. Cooking can also be fun when the entrees are given ridiculous names like: Criminally Insane Cashew Chicken or Murder & Mayhem Mongolian Beef. Dishes of such distinguished names are, in my experience, best tasted with a similar visual palette... in front of the TV watching Alfred Hitchcock or "Thriller" (an old hour long thriller, suspense show).

So the other night, I'm trying to prepare a meal. I'll not lie and try to tell you that it was a nice meal. Specifically, it was leftovers: tacos, taco shells, reheated re-fried beans, Mexican rice and broccoli. It went down well the first time I cooked it, so I figured the reheating would do similarly as well. Oh, I forgot the corn-bread. I was busy though so I thought... I'll just reheat everything together. I put the taco meat, the corn bread, the beans & broccoli and the shells all on the same cookie sheet, slid it on the top rack of the oven and set the broiler on High, y'know... to speed things up. I came back to the oven in a few minutes smelling the food from the other room. I approached the oven to to begin feeding my belly and noticedI left the oven light on... or had I?

In a culinary move, straight from the ramen-noodled pages of my undergraduate years, the soul of my food danced in ignition as it moved beyond the corporeal world and into the great beyond, ashes to ashes and tacos to dust. The People's Exhibit A & B provides all the evidence you need to pass judgement on this cooking maverick who buzzed the culinary tower one too many times. In short.. I set my food on fire. The taco shells were burning something wicked as everything else was reaching a nice warming point. I'm a guy... so I acted quickly in the following manner to extinguish the fire:

  1. Assess the true danger of the situation.
    1. The fire was inside the oven... I'm all good.
  2. Slide the top rack out a little to get a better look at the fire
  3. Nod my head slowly and grin widely in clear appreciation
  4. Think to myself... "I should put the fire out.... but NOT before I get a picture."
  5. Take a picture of the fire
  6. E-mail said picture to girlfriend.
  7. Fill cup with water
  8. Throw water on burning taco shells
    1. Try again... because those taco shells were really burning
  9. Take a picture of the ashes and e-mail that as well.
  10. Try to eat what wasn't burned
    1. Realize, after biting into it, that all other food is soggy from water
  11. Order pizza

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